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arualmsbrandywine421's birthday fic D is for Death aka Chaos Theory. For previous parts click on the tags, or go to my memories here.This one is a little on the short side, but I decided to post it anyway.
AN: This one is wierd. I don't feel very good about it, but I didn't want to write it completely new, so I decided to post it anyway.(Un-beta'd)
D is for Death / Chaos Theory
Part 4
When Summer’s dad came to pick her up, she didn’t want to let go of Seth, and somehow the boy managed to convince both his parents and Dr. Roberts that it would be best for everyone involved if Summer spent the night. Apparently, the ‘rents had decided that this was not the time to insist on the rules. Ryan had just been glad that they hadn't ended up arguing.
Dinner had been quiet and uncomfortable, every now and then Sandy or Kirsten would brake through the silence to ask if there was anything they could do, only to be answered by both Summer and Ryan mutely shaking their heads. They had given up after some time, probably convinced that there was no sense in trying to push them to talk about what was wrong. Ryan had appreciated the silence, as the conversation had done nothing to quiet the voices in his head.
Afterwards, they had all headed to bed, the grown ups anxiously eyeing them on their ways, seemingly at a loss and to afraid of saying the wrong thing to say anything at all. Ryan had entered the guestroom, closing the door behind himself. The room was absolutely quiet, and for a moment he welcomed the silence and the fact that no one was looking at him here. But when his gaze landed on carefully made bed, he tensed up again. He really didn’t want to spend another night like the one before. Ryan wasn’t used to nightmares like that; he had no desire to get used to them.
But on the other hand, he didn’t feel like he could stay up for much longer, either. It was weird, how exhausted one could be after a day of hardly doing anything. The fact that he had spent half the night before leaning over the porcelain bowl of the guestroom toilet probably hadn’t made it any better, neither had the fact that he had hardly been able to get anything down during the days meals. Still he wasn’t hungry.
In the end, Ryan decided to give in to his body’s demands that he lay down and rest. But the expected nightmares didn’t come, simply because he didn’t fall asleep. Instead, he spent the next two hours tossing and turning around on the bed, trying without any success to get some rest. He was not sure if it was the fact that the drugs he had been given at the hospital were completely out of his system or the fact that his mind was to active to fall asleep. What remained was that he kept staring at the ceiling, uselessly attempting to ignore the thoughts that were still running through his head, even louder and more insistently than before. Ryan had always hated being awake and thinking at night, for some reason everything always seemed even worse when you were lying like that.
The questions were still the same, he had not found any satisfying answers during the last hours. What if he had gone up to stop Johnny? Would he have been able to stop him? Maybe, maybe not. Marissa definitely wouldn’t have been up there; she would still be alive.
Why hadn’t he gone up to Johnny, the way he had planned to do? Why had he listened to Marissa, let her talk him out of it? Kaitlin had called because she had wanted him to help. She had expected him to go and stop Johnny. He had let her down, hadn’t done what was expected of him and this was the result.
Why hadn’t he been able to help Marissa? Was there something he could have, should have done differently? Had he failed to do something that could have saved her live? Had he let Johnny die, even though he would have been able to help if he had tried to do so? Ryan didn’t know anything about first aid, other than how to cool down bruises and disinfect cuts, and maybe how to recognise an overdose in time to bring the person to the ER. Had his lack of knowledge caused the death of another person, maybe even that of two?
When he was finally convinced that sleep was not going to come anytime soon, Ryan sighed, detangled himself from the sheets and stepped out of the guestroom. Maybe some fresh air would be good for him; clear his head a little or at least get him tired enough to actually fall asleep.
Ryan made his way around the pool, towards the pool house. Being afraid of a building was senseless; he would have to go back there eventually. Better get it over with right there and then. He determinedly walked the rest of the way to the pool house and opened the door without any visible hesitation.
Inside, it was quiet the sound of the waves outside held of by the glass doors. Weird, how you could see everything that was going on outside and yet be this closed off. It felt rather fitting. Heaving another sigh, Ryan let himself fall onto the bed.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ryan was startled awake by the sound of the pool house door slamming shut. He rubbed his eyes blearily and sat up, blinking against the bright light entering the room through the glass.
"Ryan? What are you doing still asleep? We have to get going, the funeral starts in less than an hour." Kirsten sounded exasperated and he didn’t want to anger her even more, so he refrained from asking her what time it was and why no one woke him up before.
He opened the closed and for some reason, the only black piece of clothing he could find was the tux Kirsten had bought him for Cotillion. He didn’t think it was the right thing to wear to a funeral, but he didn’t seem to have choice, so he put it on.
They sat in the back of the church, which is filled to the last rows. He guessed it made sense, considering this was a service for two people at the same time. He was shaken out of his contemplation when Julie made her way towards the podium, her walk accompanied by the excited whispering of the crowd. Only when she cleared her head did the others quiet down.
"I do not need to tell you why we are here today. And I do not need to remind you what wonderful people we have gathered here to honour. But I would like to share something with you, something that my daughter Kaitlin confided to me as the most wonderful thing she had ever heard Johnny say to my daughter. You need to hear it, for there is no way I could say it better. "You and me, we fit. We are supposed to be together." I don’t think there is anything I need to add to that." She took out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes, making her way back to her seat. Everyone bowed their heads and Ryan could hear Kirsten whisper to Sandy "That was beautiful."
They were all gathered outside, watching the caskets being lowered into the ground simultaneously. The sound of people sniffing made Ryan uncomfortable; he had never been good at dealing with crying people. Someone started speaking, and through the chokes Ryan could make out Summer’s words. "There are clouds coming up. Good, the sun shouldn’t be shining right now." Murmurs of agreement followed and Ryan lifted his head to the sky. Summer was right, clouds were quickly gathering and blocking the sky. He looked at the graves once more, stepping closer to be able to look down and Marissa’s casket, covered in white flowers. Ryan wasn’t sure what they were, but felt pretty certain he had seen the same ones at Cotillion, what felt now long a hundred years ago.
He felt something wet drop on his face and decided that rain was probably the appropriate weather. He looked back down and was startled to realise that the drops had started to cover the flowers in red. Lifting his hand to his face shakily, he discovered the same liquid coating his fingers, making them stick together. It smelled weird.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ryan woke up with a start, sitting up in the bed and gulping down air. The sound of his own breath was roaring in his eyes, multiplied by the silence surrounding him. The pool house was barely lit by the sunshine starting to stream through the windows, but the light was enough to let him see his hands. There was nothing red on them.
He fell back onto the bed with a groan, squeezing his eyes shut again against the light. The nausea from the day before had returned with a vengeance, but Ryan knew that there was nothing in his stomach left to vomit and therefore tried to fight the impulse. It wouldn’t help, would only make his throat ache. Slowly, his breathing calmed down to a normal pace. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t bee said for his thoughts.
"We fit" he repeated Johnny’s words in his mind. "We are supposed to be together." The other boy had really believed that, he had really loved Marissa, loved her enough to have a break down when she refused to be with him. Ryan knew that he would never have reacted that way, knew that he would have been able to deal with loosing Marissa. After all, he had had weeks to prepare himself for he possibility and while he hadn’t liked the thought, had been angry at his poor treatment by his girlfriend, it had never made him as desperate as it had obviously made Johnny. And what did that say about him? He had known back then that the relationship he had been clinging to had not been a good one, he had realised quite some time ago that the attraction and seemingly inevitable pull towards Marissa that had marked the beginning of his time in Newport was fading, if it was still there at all. Yet he had held on to it, hadn’t been willing to simply cut his losses and move on. Why? Why hadn’t he let Marissa go, allowed her to be with someone who’s love made him more deserving of her.
"You’re the reason I said no to him, you’re the reason he is up there." He knew what Marissa had said was true. He had not only failed to give her the help she needed, failed to convince her that he should have gone up there instead, he had been the one who caused all of this. If he hadn’t pressured Marissa into making a choice, she would still be alive. Ryan gave up the fight and rushed to the bathroom just in time.
Tell me what you think.
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no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 11:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 11:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 07:05 pm (UTC)Great job with creating a tense atmosphere and with the vacuum again of no adult stepping in to help him. Maybe they're uncertain or overwhelmed, but it's there responsiblity, duty and job to find a way to make some sort of connection. Ryan may be internalizing many of his emotions, but he is also exhibiting many symptoms through his behavior for anyone observing him closely enough. Yet again, his guardians seem to hold back and fail him rather than taking the initiative to support and protect him.
Since Ryan has been so conditioned to believe that he is a source of problems and the cause for the disintegration of his own family, he is already riddled with guilt and automatically responds to events by blaming himself, accepting the responsibility and shouldering the burden. You portray him as reliving and replaying various scenarios, literally torturing himself as he convinces himself that he could soley control other people, their choices and any outcome. This struggle and the pain he inflicts on himself is heartbreaking. He's learned to believe, through repeated reinforcement, that he is a failure and now he even believes that he is capable of wanting a certain result.
Again you make a seamless transition from one reality to another with the dream sequence. What you conveyed so vividly to Ryan seemed just as alarming and disturbing on the page. I was as shocked as he was when it became clear it was another nightmare, but not part of his waking, living nightmare.
I'm curious to see what the actual funeral brings and who does come to Ryan's aid, or if they continue to let him slip further.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 07:56 pm (UTC)I'm glad that you like it. Ryan isn't going to get over his mountain of guilt any time soon, I'm afraid. And I'm not sure yet what kind of assistance he will get, as I am pretty much writing this as I go. The funeral will definitely be painful.
Hope your arm is healing fast.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 10:38 pm (UTC)I'm glad you're letting it unfold and seeing where it leads. He shouldn't get over it quickly since it encompasses a lifelong process of learned behavior, his own tendencies and experiences that have had a cumulative effect. Then for him to still be an outsider of sorts that no one really knows or knows how to approach since they don't really claim ownership of him the way they would with someone who had always been with them just complicates it. Too many unknowns.
Cold getting a little better. Surgery tomorrow on arm. Tons of fun.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 11:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 11:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 11:39 am (UTC)Damn girl, how do you manage to get yourself into crap like this?
*kkeps fingers crossed so everything goes well*
no subject
Date: 2006-03-06 04:11 am (UTC)Thanks for the crossing!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 07:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 07:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-01 11:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 11:41 am (UTC)Glad you like it.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 11:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 05:43 am (UTC)Why hadn’t he let Marissa go, allowed her to be with someone who’s love made him more deserving of her.
"You’re the reason I said no to him, you’re the reason he is up there." He knew what Marissa had said was true. He had not only failed to give her the help she needed, failed to convince her that he should have gone up there instead, he had been the one who caused all of this. If he hadn’t pressured Marissa into making a choice, she would still be alive. - so even in death, Marissa can make Ryan feel bad. I hope you have a shrink lined up to fix our boy!
no subject
Date: 2006-03-02 11:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-04 08:10 pm (UTC)I have a weakness for falling apart Ryan as you know.
More please, pretty please.
xxx
no subject
Date: 2006-03-05 10:58 pm (UTC)Good to know that you are at least well enough to read.
Get better soon! (love ya too!)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-05 10:30 pm (UTC)And the sad thing is, that probably some idiots around him might think the same thing.
I really hope, these nightmares stop soon and he finds a way to accept, that things were out of his hand and the death of the anorexic twins was not his fault.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-05 10:57 pm (UTC)(I am having far to much fun torturing the boy. I'm blaming it on the flist)
no subject
Date: 2006-03-05 11:01 pm (UTC)