arualms | (no subject)

Sorry this took so long.

disclaimer: The fact that J. and M. are still alive proves that I don´t own anything.
AN: muchtvs was nice enough to beta, but afterwards I messed with everything again, so all mistakes are mine.
AN: Reviews are my drug of choice.

New Year's Eve- Pt. 3

They are driving back to the Cohens´ house. He tries to ignore the feeling of wet cotton sticking to his skin. When Luke had suggested to playing some soccer after lunch, he hadn't considered the fact that he had no change of clothes with him. And unfortunately it's to cold to just take the shirt off. Still, it had been felt good to play again, worth the discomfort of driving back all sweaty.

"I missed that."

He usually isn't the one to initiate a conversation but somehow, it's different with Luke. He's not exactly sure why.

"Soccer? Then why aren't you on the team anymore?"
"I got kicked out of school, remember?"

The list of things he would love to forget and yet feels a need to talk about with Luke seems to keep getting longer.

"They didn't let you join the team after you came back? That sucks!"
"No. I ah, I didn't ask to get on the team."

In retro perspective, trying to get on the team again might have been a good idea. Considering how relaxing the physical exhaustion he feels at the moment is, lots of sports could have made the past months a little easier. Or at least, he would have been able to fall asleep before three a.m.

Luke apparently doesn't want to simply drop the topic. "Why the hell not, man? You're good and I thought you liked it. That's what it looked like to me."

He doesn't meet Luke's questioning gaze, instead turns to look out of the window again. "With everything that's been going on, I didn't even think about it."

Seems like they are again steering back to what seems to be Luke's favourite topic these days. Marissa. Though to be fair, Luke probably didn't do it intentionally this time.

"Dude, that's just wrong. I mean I know she's a demanding girlfriend, but don't you want to have, I don't know, a life for yourself? I don't get it."

This whole topic would be easier to handle if he had a good explanation. Unfortunately, after their lunch, he is at a loss. Luke is right; he is giving up either way. And if there is one thing he dislikes more than people giving up on their friends and families, it's people giving up on themselves. Back in Chino, the obvious lack of care for him and Trey had hurt, but watching his mother self-destruct without so much as an attempt to somehow get better had been even worse.

Luke's comment that by staying with Marissa, he was giving up on himself had struck a cord, and although chasing after the ball had helped clearing his head at least for a little while, he still didn't really know what to do. Therefore, he doesn't really know what to say to Luke, who is watching him out of the corner of his eye while taking a turn to the left.

"Chino? You gonna say something?" Luke looks at him questioningly.

It'll probably take some more time for him to get used to the new, openly caring and concerned side of Luke. Not that it's a bad change, it's just so far from the Luke he is used to, even after they became friends, that he wonders what exactly happened in Portland to change him. Whatever it was, he knows some people who could use a similar change.

"Could we just drive?"

He needs to figure out for himself exactly what is holding him back before he can discuss it with Luke- or anyone else. The realisation that he is having relationship- talks with Luke almost makes him laugh out loud. It is just weird.

--------------

The silence lasts for about five minutes, then he surprises himself by breaking it.

"I've never broken up with someone."

He's never had to do that; they always broke up with him first. Marissa, Theresa, Lindsay- it's one of the few things they all have in common.

"Well, maybe it's time that you learn how to do it." Luke is nice enough not to comment on the fact that all his girlfriends dumped him. Although he seems to be trying without a lot of success to hold back a grin, so he probably realises the teasing-potential.

"I'm not sure if …" He's not sure about anything. Not sure if he shouldn't try to salvage what is left of his relationship with Marissa, not sure if he is able to knowingly hurt some that he (still, despite everything) cares about, not sure if she will be stable enough to handle it or if it is going to make her fall apart. She might not spend a lot of time with him, but she trusts that he'll be there for her. He knows what it is like to loose your feeling of security. But he also isn't sure how much more he can take, isn't sure if he'll be able to accept that he is constantly reduced to an afterthought by her. He isn't sure if he wants to.

"The whole situation just sucks. If I really broke up with her, everything would change."

"That's the point, isn't it? Things would change; you wouldn't have to be her backup in her "save Johnny" missions anymore. You could find yourself a girlfriend who doesn't treat you like crap."

His voice barely has an infliction, just calm reasoning. Portland was definitely good for Luke.

"It's not just about me. Or even me and Marissa. She's Summer's best friend, it's always Seth, Summer, Marissa and me."

Luke interrupts him. "And now Johnny? I mean if he isn't there in person, then he's all you're talking about, right?"

He maybe shouldn't have told Luke that, then he wouldn't have so much ammunition now.

"If I broke up with her, the four of us wouldn't be able to all hang out with each other any more. Seth would flip; you should have seen what he was like last year when he wanted everything to go back to the way it was. It´s like he's allergic to change. Not to mention that Summer might kill me."

"Dude, first you don't want to end it because you think it would mean giving up, now you're using Seth and Summer as an excuse? I mean, Cohen is your best friend. He would understand, at least he should. And didn't you say Summer was worried about Marissa always hanging out with Johnny? She'd probably understand, too. Plus, not to ruin your delusions or anything like that, but if Seth and Summer take of to the other side of the continent after graduation, it won't be the four of you anymore, no matter if you guys broke up or not, right?"

"And Marissa and me both applied to Berkeley. You got any idea what she would do if we both got accepted and then I broke up with her?" It's not a scenario that he wants to imagine.

"Berkeley? And you think you'll both get in?"

"I know I'm not the ideal candidate, with my record and everything, but we met with this friend of Sandy…"

"Actually, I was talking about Marissa. I mean, she used to be pretty good at school, but she kind of slacked last year, didn't she? And now she got kicked out of school. No matter if that was fair, Berkeley might not like it."

He had never thought about that. While he was less than confident about his own chances due to his record and had applied mainly because of Sandy, he never questioned Marissa's acceptance. She was from Newport, she went to private school (until this semester), she would get accepted. Funny, how the way the Newpsies took some things for granted had rubbed of on him. He still didn't think that way about himself, but he had accepted that Newpsies and Newpsie-kids got what they wanted.

"We never talked about where else we would go. I mean, I applied to other colleges, but I don't know if she did."

"You didn't ask?" Luke's tone makes it quite obvious that this is supposed to be a rhetorical question, but he feels the need to answer and explain anyway.

"It was hard enough to talk her into applying to college at all, I didn't want to bring it up again." No need starting another fight.

"Seems like there is an awful lot of stuff that you guys don't talk about."

Luke looks like he is keeping himself from saying something else. Considering there is apparently nothing he and Luke don't talk about, he suspects the other boy is trying to go for a dramatic break, to make him think about it or something like that. It works.

They drive in silence for a few minutes. This time, Luke is the one to break it.

"So, since the "protect the friendship" excuse doesn't work, do you have any other bogus reasons not to break it of? Because obviously, the reason isn't that you are so incredibly happy with Marissa."
"Jul… Mrs. Cooper is Marissa's mom, and she is Kirsten's best friend."

"Still? After that shit she tried to pull on you?" Luke seems genuinely shocked. He's the first.
"You saw her at the party last night, what did you think why she was there? And they were friends long before I came to Newport."

He wishes he could give Luke a better reason, but so far he hasn't been able to come up with anything. He'd never ask the Cohens to give up on their friends for him, but he still would have liked to see some kind of reaction from his foster mother. Even if it was just to show him she cared. Still, whom the Cohens decided to be friends with wasn't any of his business, even if that woman didn't deserve them. Neither did he, and they stuck with him anyway.

Luke, who doesn't seem to want him to get lost in thought again, forces his mind back to their conversation. "Doesn't matter. They were friends when you two broke up for the first time, too. You're still making up excuses. What the hell are you scared off? This is about the whole "needing things to work out" - thing again, isn't it?"

Mainly. He isn't making up excuses, the realization that his decisions affect everyone around him is something he has been trying to get a handle on since he came to Newport, a result of the fact that this place is a bubble and everyone is either friends or related (or both). Always being a little worried about the consequences his actions and decisions might have on everyone followed that assessment pretty much automatically, but Luke is right. He still isn't willing to give up, not so much on Marissa as on what she represents: his new life, in a new city, with new friends and, for the first time, a girlfriend. It's what she has been since he first met her in front of the Cohens´s house, when she seemed flawless, as unattainable as the life his lawyer was showing him. He should have known better than to believe in the front she put up, and the disillusion had followed pretty quickly, the moment he found her lying on the ground, unconscious with to much alcohol. Still, being with Marissa had somehow become a synonym for making it in Newport, and the need to prove to himself that he could make it had been overwhelming. It still is, sometimes. He gave up his life here once and he's not sure he can do it again. If he wants to end things with Marissa, he will have to find a way to separate her from Newport in his mind.

Luke apparently thinks he has been staring out of the window long enough; he coughs in way that is so obviously fake, he has to fight back a grin. Then he remembers that Luke isn't Marissa, and he stops trying.

"I don't wanna burst your bubble, man, but honestly, no matter what "the Valley" is trying to make us all believe, I'm pretty sure that most people are not meant to be with their first boyfriend or girlfriend. As far as I can see, breaking up is more the rule than the exception. So, you know, just because it doesn't work with Marissa, doesn't mean it won't work with someone else."

Only because it doesn't work out with Marissa, doesn't mean it won't work out in Newport.

"Luke, man, you watch "The Valley"?"

There really isn't anything else he can say. Luke is right, and they both know it.

"Dude, we had a fun day. Don't ruin it by forcing me to hurt you."

He doesn't say anything, just smirks as the other boy fixes his eyes on the road again.
-------------------------------------

He steps under the stream of hot water, enjoying the way it soothes his tense muscles and washes off the cold sweat. The Cohens still aren't at home, so luckily no one reamed him out about running around in wet clothes on the first of January. Tomorrow, when they go to play again, he will definitely have to remember bringing a change of clothes.
Tonight, he'll have to call Marissa, ask her to meet for a talk. He'll probably have to talk her out of whatever activity she has already planned with Johnny. That won't make the conversation any easier.

If he explains that he's breaking up with her because of Luke, she might misunderstand it.

The End

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

helen-c.livejournal.com

Nice chapter. I loved Luke and Ryan's easy friendship, and the fact that Luke managed to get Ryan to talk.

He wishes he could give Luke a better reason, but so far he hasn't been able to come up with anything. He'd never ask the Cohens to give up on their friends for him, but he still would have liked to see some kind of reaction from his foster mother.

Loved Luke's reaction to Kirsten's continuing friendship with Julie... I really wish they'd adress that on the show.

Great fic!! :)

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