(no subject)

[arualms]

I tried to do one of brandywine ´s writing promts .

AN: I cheated a little. I added some words from the list to the title to have it make sense. Also. I didn´t manage to have 400 words exactly. Without the title, it´s 408 words. Close enough, I think. I´m afraidI got a little repetitive, but the prompt kind of enforced that.
Obviousely, I also didn´t combine it with the other promt.

On with the story...

Mom is sick on the bathroom floor

I come in and call for her. Is no one there? "Mom?" No word, but a sound. What is this all about? I call one more time. "Mom? Are you in the bathroom?" When there is no word, I come in.
I find her on the bathroom floor. I look down at her. She is sick. What do I do now? Call some people? Are there people I can call? "Mom?" No word. And no sound, this time.

I go over to her. She is hot. How can I…what can I do? Should I use some water? She is so hot. How can she be so hot? "Mom?"

Now what? Use more water? "MOM!" No word, no sound. There is some thing on the floor. I know what it is, that thing, but…

But she is my mom. Why did she do this? I know some people who said no one should do this. So why did mom do it, then? If no one should, than no mom should. What would these people say now? What would they do? They said I could come to them, I could call them. Should I? "Mom? What should I do?" No word.

I go out of the bathroom. I will call the other people. I know their number.

" My mom is sick."

"She is hot."

"What should I do? Do you know what I should do?"

Should they know about the thing? No. If no one should use it, then … But she is so hot. They may know what to do. They may know what to do if they know about the thing.

"There is this thing on the floor."

"The thing that the other people said no one should use. And now she is sick. And hot. What do I do?"

There is a sound from her. "Mom?" No more sound.

"We are on the bathroom floor. There is water on her and on me and on the floor." There is.

I do what he said I have to do. Now they know the way, now they can come. They will know what to do for her.

I had to do that. She is my mom, I had to do what they said, they are the people who know what to do.

Mom will know that I had to do it, she will. She has to.

I go out so that when they come, I can show them the way to the bathroom.



That´s it. Tell me what you think. I believe it has never before taken me so long to write such a short text, but it was definitely an interesting experience.

Comments

[brandywine421.livejournal.com]

Nice job! I like the way you used the stunted vocab to imitate the psyche of a child. I think the repitition works to reinforce the panic and confusion that the kid has.

I like this a lot.

[arualms.livejournal.com]

Thanks.
Working with such a limited vocab was really difficult. It kind of reminded my of the very beginning of learning English, Frensh or Spanish, trying to write something that actually makes sense while hardly knowing any words. But even back then, I could get new words by using a dictionary.
I kept catching myself trying to use changed versions of the words and then having to change the whole sentence structure to make it fit with the words I was allowed to use.
For example, The fact that I wasn´t allowed to use "not" caused me to write a lot of questions.

[muchtvs.livejournal.com]

Gawd, I would have given up.

It sounds so easy,,,but clearly isn't.

I agree with Brandy. The repeated speech does emphasis thatit is a child who is starting to panic.

[arualms.livejournal.com]

I was close to giving up when I didn´t know what should happen next after about 200 words.
I´m glad you guys think it worked. It was definitely an interesting task.

[mel39.livejournal.com]

That was really good and very powerful.

[arualms.livejournal.com]

Thank you.
The limitated language did definitely change the whole tone of the story.
Writing this was kind of like writing anagramms, just with words instead of letters and no limit to how often one word can be used.

[vana-ever-young.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful and well done.

I'm confusing myself. I thought I had welcomed you to LJ, but I don't think I ever actually wrote the welcome down. So, a belated welcome from me! I first saw your name on ff.net some time ago...it was a review and I remember thinking that a person making such great reviews had be good at writing as well. I enjoy reading your stuff and I was glad to learn (from brandy) that you'd decided to join LJ.

Anyways, welcome! (and may I friend you?).

[arualms.livejournal.com]

Glad you liked it, it was definitely an interesting task.
Thanks for the welcome.
Friend away, I´ll friend back.