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arualms“Hello Summer. How was lunch?”
“Ok. I mean, the food wouldn’t win any prizes, but for hospital food, it’s pretty decent.”
“You seem to be feeling a little better than you did at the end of the morning session.”
“Well, I spent an hour detailing my freaky nightmares to you. Guess it can only get better after that.”
“You’re probably right. Still, it is good to see that you recovered a little. I understand that our last talk must have been exhausting.”
“You know, I never used to get tired of talking.”
“I suspect the topics involved weren’t always as serious and painful, were they?”
“No. Before this, the worst thing that ever happened to me was Cohen being a stupid little bastard, running away to
“I’m sorry, did you just say boyfriend?”
“I was kidding. Though I’m pretty sure Cohen used to have a crush on Atwood when he first came to
“Atwood? That’s Ryan, right? Marissa’s boyfriend? The one who was in the car with her?”
“Yeah. I mean, he wasn’t her boyfriend at the time, they had been broken up for some time. He’s Cohen’s best friend. Also, kind of his brother, since the Cohens took him in.”
“Sounds like there are a lot of interesting relationships between your friends. But as interesting as that is, I think I’d prefer talking about you. You said that up to the accident, your boyfriend was the worst thing that ever happened to you? I would have thought your parents’ divorce and your mother’s absence were pretty hard on you, too.”
“How do you…no, wait. When you and the director talked to my dad, you grilled him about my family, right?”
“It is always good to get a fairly detailed account of a patient’s background. That includes family. Not to bother you, but I would really be interested in answer from you. Why didn’t you include your parents’ divorce?”
“I guess it’s just been so long. I mean, it hurt a lot, but I learned to deal with it. My dad and I, we are really close, he helped a lot. He also made sure I saw a shrink every week for quite a while, so…it’s just no longer on my mind all the time.”
“I see. Well, how about we return to the topic we discussed before we broke for lunch. How long did you have the nightmares before you first saw Marissa while you were awake?”
“I’m not absolutely sure. I mean, it’s not exactly something you mark down in your calendar, like: today, I got absolute proof that I am losing my mind, because I saw Marissa in the kitchen.”
“Summer, I really wish you could stop talking so negatively about yourself. Making yourself feel bad for having these problems, telling yourself it means you’re going crazy, will not help you at all.”
“I can’t help it, ok. Seeing people who are…who aren’t really there- that’s definitely a sign of craziness for me. And yes, I know you want me to accept that I am not a nutjob, that I just have a problem, but knowing that doesn’t keep me from feeling that way. Now, can we please return to what we were talking about before? This is hard enough without constantly jumping back and forth between topics.”
“Fine. Tell me about the first time you saw Marissa. Where you were, what she was doing, did she say anything? How did you feel?”
“She was just waiting for me in the kitchen one morning. Told me it was about time I got out of bed and that we were supposed to go shopping. I’m not sure I remember how I felt. Shocked, definitely, but other than that…I don’t know how to describe it.”
“That’s ok. Take your time.”
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Marissa doesn’t leave, and Summer gets used to it. She doesn’t want to, but it’s far to easy to act as if nothing is wrong, because really, she always liked to go shopping, and enjoy a good day of pampering at the spa. Really, it’s not as if she is doing anything that she wouldn’t have done before. She would like it if pretending was as easy when it comes to herself.
The problem is that Summer knows very well that Marissa isn’t really there. She knows, understands that seeing her is definite proof of the fact that she has completely lost it, but even after telling herself all this for an hour, she still nods when Marissa asks if she wants to go to the diner with her.
Knowing it isn’t real doesn’t keep it from feeling good to have her best friend back, spending time with her the way they used to before
(don’t think about life being the nightmare now)
Marissa is never there when Seth comes to visit, which he does because she can’t stall him forever. Usually, when someone else is in the room, she ignores them, or waits for Summer to finish talking until asking her if they can go into another room. When Seth is there, she leaves.
Summer doesn’t know whether to be grateful or not. She doesn’t think she could really talk to Seth with Marissa right there, she already feels bad enough not telling him about Marissa, one more person she is lying to, pretending to be grieving but slowly getting better when really, it is obviously getting worse. But she also doesn’t want Marissa to leave.
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“Good morning Summer. I hope you’re feeling a little better today.”
“I’m not sure if I can tell the difference anymore. Though I’m not sure if that’s because things aren’t changing, or because your shiny drugs are keeping me all numb and cozy.”
“The medication should not have that kind of negative effect, but we can of course have another look at the dosage and see if we need to adjust it. I am sorry you are not feeling better. Did you have another nightmare or dream? Or did you see Marissa again?”
“No. I…that’s what I don’t understand. The stuff you’ve been giving me really seems to work. I haven’t seen her for at least three days, and I actually slept through the night. So why am I not feeling better? It’s supposed to get better now!”
“Summer, I understand that you feel frustrated, but believe me when I say that you have already made so much progress. And that is not only due to the medication. You have shown amazing strength in telling me everything you did. Those nightmares and hallucinations are very difficult to deal with, and yet you managed to talk about them. That is great, something you can be proud of even if you don’t feel like it at the moment. I am not going to lie to you, the coming weeks won’t be easy, but I am very optimistic that you will eventually feel better.”
“I still think I already should. I mean, the hallucinations are pretty much why I’m here. So without them, I should be ok again.”
“You are smart enough to know that’s not true. You are still trying to deal with a painful and traumatic event. You can’t expect too much of you. These things take a lot of time.”
“Guess that means we should get to it, huh?”
“Yes. Last time, we talked about how Marissa, whenever you see her, insists on doing things alone with you. You told me that these were usually things you used to do together very frequently before you started dating Seth and Marissa got together with Ryan. Do you think there is a reason for that particular fact?”
“I…I don’t know. I mean, we still did those things after
“Did you miss it? Quality-girlfriends-time?”
“Not really, no. We still had enough time for each other, and…other things were just more important at that time, I guess.”
“Was there ever a point in time when you wished Marissa and you were spending more time together?”
“I…”
“This is a painful topic, I understand. But I truly believe it would be good to have a closer look at it, gain a better understanding of your friendship. Please, try to answer.”
“Yes. There was a time when…we were arguing and I was busy moping over Cohen. I should have tried harder to get her to talk.”
“What were you arguing about?”
“Marissa, she was in a bad place. After her and Ryan broke up, she started hanging with…”
“Summer?”
“She started hanging out with Volchok.”
“The man who caused the accident?”
“Yes. He…god, he was so bad for her, he totally didn’t deserve her and I knew, I knew it and I tried to warn her and she didn’t want to hear it. I, I should have tried harder to convince her, not allow her to push me away. I mean, if I had…”
“You think if you had done that, things might not have turned out the way they did?”
“I know they wouldn’t. If I had managed to convince her that she was hurting herself, that she deserved better…”
“So it is your fault that Marissa died?”
“I didn’t drive the car, I didn’t cause the accident.”
“I know you didn’t. But if you stop rationalizing it, do you think it is your fault?”
“Yes. I could have prevented it, if I had been a better friend. I could have…”
“Summer, can you answer a question? Why do you think it was your responsibility to protect Marissa from herself?”
“I was her best friend. I should have at least tried.”
“Because being her best friend made you responsible?”
“I…it isn’t about responsibility. It’s about the fact that I could have done something, but I didn’t.”
“I thought you were arguing because you did? The way you said it, I thought you had informed Marissa about your concerns and the reason for your fighting was her unwillingness to listen to you.”
“I should have tried harder. Found another way to talk about it. I should have…”
“Here.”
“Thanks. I’m really not much of a crier usually.”
“As I told you before, there is no need to apologize or explain. Do you think we can continue?”
“Yeah. Better get it over with, right?”
“Can I ask you another question? You said you should have found another way. What do you think you could have done that would have made her listen to you?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, but I should have figured it out. I knew she was freaking out, it was even worse than her two-month bender after
“That sounds as if Marissa had hard times before.”
“That’s like, the understatement of the century. I mean, her dad’s a thief, her parents get divorced, her mom is a bitch and sleeps with her cheating ex, her friend almost blows his brains out, her boyfriend takes off to take care of his pregnant ex…”
“That would really constitute a very hard time. But what I would really like to know more about is the way she dealt with those things. You said she didn’t react as badly as she did before her accident, but still she had a lot of trouble dealing?”
“Yes. I mean, she always drank too much, but that’s normal for teenagers, right? And she was pretty rude with her mom, but she totally deserved it. And everyone skips school every now and then, right?”
“Summer, why are you making excuses for her? From the tone of your voice earlier, I would have deduced that you were rather upset with Marissa over they way she reacted to her problems. Why are you suddenly trying to explain everything away?”
“I don’t…I just don’t want to speak badly about her. I mean, she is dead. No one should speak badly of someone who is dead. And talking about her like that, it makes her seem like she was some horrible, out of control teenager.”
“You don’t want to think about her like that. I can understand that, but Summer, what I am trying to get at is this: it seems as if your friend had a lot of problems. Problems that you did not cause, problems that were not for you to solve. And it seems that she never really dealt with them in a healthy manner. Did you tell her back then that you were concerned?”
“About the drinking? Yes. The rest… I thought it was her decision if she wanted to go to school or not.”
“Sounds very sensible. You were her friend, not her mother. How did you react when she started hanging out with Volchok?”
“I…I yelled at her. Told her what I though about him, and the way he made her act.”
“But she didn’t listen?”
“No.”
“Just like she didn’t listen before?”
“Stop making it sound like she was some self-destructive kid from a lifetime movie. She was my best friend! I should have found a way to make her listen.”
“But Summer, the way you describe her, she was not very likely to listen to you, no matter what you said. I mean honestly, can you imagine any scenario of you convincing her to stay away from Volchok? Do you have any idea what you could have done to convince her?”
“No. But there should have…I should have found a way.”
“Maybe you couldn’t. Maybe there was nothing you could do. Maybe Marissa wanted to make her own choices and wouldn’t let her best friend change her mind. Maybe no matter what you would have come up with, it would still have ended the way it did.”
“Stop it. It was not Marissa’s fault. It wasn’t.”
“I didn’t say that it was. But Summer, you should allow yourself to think about the possibility that it wasn’t your fault, either. What happened to your friend was horrible, but you did not cause the accident. You are not responsible for what happened to her. There was no way to predict what would happen, no way for you to prevent it. It is not your fault.”
“But I…”
“You are not responsible. You aren’t.”
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no subject
Date: 2006-07-08 03:33 pm (UTC)Oh, light bulb moment!
no subject
Date: 2006-07-08 06:33 pm (UTC)I thought this was a possible reason for her to feel guilty. After all, they only made up shortly before the car crash, and didn't get along before that for some time.
no subject
Date: 2006-07-08 07:49 pm (UTC)