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[arualms]

And the last part (so far)

Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t sue. Quote is obviously from “The Dearly Beloved”. I don’t own that episode, either.
AN: I tried to keep going while I was still somewhat inspired. The fact that the idea of studying for my finals during winter break is not very attractive to me might also have something to do with it. Hope this works.

Breakfast at Cohen’s - Pt.2

“I think I should start” Sandy was not used to his son sounding this hesitant. Ever since Seth learned how to talk, he had emitted an almost constant stream of talking- when he was with him or his wife.

Sandy was not stupid, he had seen the way his child turned from a vibrant little boy who was talking with his mouth, face, arms and his whole body, into a boy who seemed afraid to draw any attention to himself when he was surrounded by his peers after they had moved to Newport. But all attempts to talk to him, to figure out a way to help him, had always only lead to a lecture about the fact that those children were snobs and therefore not worth talking to.

When he got older, Seth had become both more withdrawn and less seeking for the other teens´ attention, his comments had become more sarcastic, but when he talked he still gave the impression of someone who had more energy than he needed.

It seemed like only Ryan had been able to teach him the importance of sometimes being silent- not that Seth often deemed a situation in need of a quiet moment.
But although Seth had changed, although he had been living outside the house much more, he was still Seth. And Seth only sounded like this when he felt really unsure about something really important.

“Since this whole talking- thing is about being honest and opening up, it would probably be best if I started by telling you-openly- that I told mom and dad what you said to me in the pool house. And before you get mad at me for breaking your trust or something like that, let me just say that the only reason why I did it is because I do not agree with you. I do not think that what happened with Trey and Marissa is your fault and you should not feel guilty about it. And although it may surprise you, I am not omnipotent, which means that I need the parental unit to help me convince you of that. Now you can yell.”

During his son’s nervous ramble, he had looked at Ryan, trying to gauge his reaction to Seth’s confession. Interestingly, he did not seem the least bit surprised or angry about the fact that Seth had let his parents in on a private conversation.

Or if he was, he had an even better control of his facial expression than Sandy had always believed he did. But that theory was at once forgotten when Ryan did show a reaction. The way he flinched when Seth mentioned Trey and the clenching of his fingers into a fist were rather tell tale signs that Seth had hit a nerve.

Unfortunately, it did not seem as if Ryan really heard and understood the part about the attack not being his fault. It would have probably been asking too much to expect Ryan to simply hear what they had to tell him and then accept it at face value. Still, it had been nice of Seth to try.

Sandy knew how much courage it must have taken to openly admit his breach of trust to Ryan. If they wanted him to be open with them, they needed to show that they were willing to be open with him as well.

The fact that his son was willing to risk his friendship (not that he really thought Ryan would no longer trust Seth after this, but it was an issue) to help his best friend showed a level of concern for the other boy that made him incredibly proud of his son.

..................

“I’m not going to yell,“ Ryan stated calmly “I think- if you felt like you had to talk to your parents, I am not going to get mad about it. But I- talking about Trey really isn’t something I want to do.” He really didn’t. They should know that, after he spent the summer successfully dodging all attempts at serious conversation about his older brother.
It had been a mistake to try and make Seth understand. He couldn’t, he had never had an older brother like Trey, had never had a family like the Atwoods. Seth had never had to take responsibility for others because they were responsible themselves.

Now, the Cohens wanted to talk. He hadn’t lied, he wasn’t mad at Seth. He was mad at himself. He should have known better than to mention Trey. The Cohens were great, but they had never really understood his family. They would never understand why he was responsible. The fact that they did not understand didn’t change the fact that it was true.
Ryan remembered the lecture his dad had given when they had visited him in prison, after the judge had sentenced him with what had seemed to the young boy to be imprisonment forever. His mom had taken them to the prison and told them that they would have to say goodbye, since they could not stay in Fresno where all the neighbours knew what Dad had done and would therefore have to move to a place called Chino. Dad would have to stay in prison, because he had screwed up. He still remembered the way his father’s eyes had seemed to look right into his head when he had given him his last lecture.

“Ryan, I need you to really listen to me now, ok? This is important. I am not going to be able to be there for you and Trey and Dawn any more. That means that you’re gonna have to do that, ok.
You and me both know that you brother can’t stay out of trouble if his life depends on it. Promise me you are going to make sure he won’t do anything too stupid, ok. And you mom- I am sure you know that she is not the smartest one there is. But she is still your mom. She deserves your respect.

She and I, we made you. That means that no matter what, you will always belong to us. You can’t really help me in here, but I expect you to be a good son and do everything you can to help your mom. After everything we did for you, that’s the least thing we can expect.

I know you think you can’t do it, but this isn’t about how old you are. You and me both know that you are the smart one. That means you are responsible for those who are not so smart. I know you are going to do the right thing.

Even if I am not there, you have to remember that family is what it’s all about. I am stuck here because I wanted to take care of you, now you owe it to me to keep the family together. I know you are going to make me proud."

Looking back, he understood that his father had been wrong to put that kind of responsibility on an eight year old. It had probably been nice of him to not openly blame Dawn for taking them away and not allowing them to visit him again. He had probably really thought that he had to make sure his son would take care of them, now that he had no longer been able to do it himself.
Ryan understood that putting that kind of burden on an eight year old had not been right, but that did not change what he had learned. Family always came first. And being family meant taking care of and responsibility for each other. It was one of the few things his father had told him that he could actually agree with.

Trey was family, and that made him Ryan’s responsibility. But the Cohens would not agree, they would not understand. They thought that by taking him in, they had absolved him from all obligations towards his family.

He had tried to cut his losses, tried to stay away from Trey and the trouble he would inadvertedly cause. But than Sandy had looked at him like that, and suddenly he was back to being an eight year old, receiving the most important lecture of his young live. Family was what mattered the most. And Trey was family.

The worst thing was that he had known back than that something would go wrong. Trey had still been Trey, and something always went wrong sooner or later when his brother was involved. He had asked him to come to Newport anyway.

Because that little boy, the one who had listened to every word his father had said, that boy remembered that after they had come back from their visit, his brother had taken him outside, had gone to the playground with him until it was almost too dark to see anything, so that he would not have to watch his mum emptying a bottle of vodka, staring out of the window as if the solution to all their problems was right behind the horizon.

The little boy had remembered what it was like to have a big brother, and he had wanted to have him back.

But there was no way he could explain any of this to the Cohens. How was he supposed to justify the fact that, no matter how much he hated Trey for what he had done, the little boy still waited for his big brother to show up and tell him to stop brooding and come out to play soccer with him.

“Ryan” Kirsten interrupted his train of thought “I know that Trey is a sore subject, but if we want to deal with this, if we want to get over what happened, we are going to have to talk about him anyway, because apparently he is a part of the problem”

He latched on to what he perceived was probably his only chance to get out of this conversation. “I thought the problem was that I wanted to leave. He does not have anything to do with that”
“Doesn’t he?” Sandy inquired calmly “Ryan, if you really think that you are for some reason to blame for what your…what Trey did, then that is an enormous amount of guilt to be carrying around. And even if you didn’t believe that, what Trey did hurt you a lot, and you have not really dealt with that yet.

I admit that I am partially at fault for that, because I should have made you talk about it sooner, but we cannot procrastinate forever. I’m afraid putting this of for so long has already made things worse. He was -is- your brother, and you practically lost him. That is not something you get over easily.”

..................

“You haven’t talked to you brother and sister for years, and you don’t seem to mind”

Kirsten looked at her foster-son in shock. Where had that come from? She saw her husband flinch, seemingly at a loss for words.

Her son did not have the same problem. “What the hell, man? Dad didn’t do anything wrong, why the hell would you say that? This isn’t about him, this is about you.”
She wanted to chime in, tell Ryan that no matter how much he was hurting, it did not give him the right to hurt others. But before she could voice this, her own thoughts caught up with her. Ryan was hurting. And she remembered.

She is standing in the kitchen, avoiding her husband’s eyes, trying to convince herself that this was not happening.

Her husband has not really staged an intervention for. Her husband and a strange doctor have not just told her that they consider her an alcoholic. Her sister has not accused her of becoming her mother. None of this is happening.

Yet she cannot avoid seeing Ryan step forward, readying himself to speak. Getting ready to tell her that she is no different from the woman she has taken him away from.

“Oh don’t you say a word. I let you into this house.”

Lashing out had been a knee-jerk reaction. Hurt the other one before they can hurt you. But Ryan hadn’t backed down, hadn’t allowed her to push him away. He had cared about her too much. Now it was her turn to show him that they wouldn’t allow him to push them away, either.

“That is not going to work, Ryan. You cannot make us angry with you to stop this conversation. There is nothing you can do to keep us from talking with you about it. Because you are hurting. And as your family, it is our job to help you deal with that hurt.

You need to talk about it, even if you don’t want to. You cannot go on this way, feeling this guilty for something that you had no control over. We are not going to let you go on that way.”
When he refused to look at her, she turned to her husband. Fortunately, he seemed to understand what had motivated Ryan’s attack. He was visibly fighting for self-control. Knowing what a sore subject his brother and sister still were, a part of her wanted to scoot over to, comfort him.

But right now, Ryan was more important. He had lashed out at Sandy to protect himself. To make Ryan hurt someone he cared about, even if it had been an unconscious reflex, he had to be really afraid of the conversation Sandy had tried to start. If thinking about everything that had happened with Trey scared him this much, he really needed to confront this. Otherwise, the emotions would continue to simmer inside him.

She knew first hand what repressed anger and pain could lead to. She never wanted Ryan to feel like that.

..........

Sandy looked back at his wife and managed to produce a small smile. Thank God she had been able to understand what Ryan was trying to do. He had been so caught of guard that he would have fallen directly into the trap.

His family was a sore subject. Ryan had definitely known how to hurt him. But the fact remained that it had been an attempt to defend himself. Apparently, even Seth understood, as had not commented any further on what Ryan had said. Kirsten was right, Ryan needed them to help him deal with what happened.

Again, he felt ashamed by the realization that he had allowed the boy to avoid the issue for so long. He would not make the same mistake again. Right now, that meant that he had to keep the conversation going.

Ryan looked like he was preparing to run. He was so tense, it had to be painful. He refused to look any of them in the eyes, concentrating on the uneaten bagel on the plate in front of them. Had they really been eating less than an hour ago?

“Kirsten is right. Ignoring this is no longer an option. Ryan, when you told us you wanted to leave, you said that while you no longer considered yourself an Atwood, you did not feel like you were a Cohen either. There are two things I have to say to that.

One, you are a Cohen in everything but name. You have been a part of our family for more than two years, and no matter what happens in the future, you always will be a part of this family. That is not even up for debate.

The other thing you need to know is that even though you are a member of this family, it is normal that sometimes you don’t feel that way. I remember times when I did not feel like a member of my own family, and I am sure both Seth and Kirsten have been there as well.

I think the difference is that we know that, if nothing else, we always have our genes to bind us to our parents and yes, our siblings as well.

You don’t have that, and I am sorry that sometimes I forget about that fact. You are a part of my family, one of the most important parts. I don’t want you to ever have to question that. If over the past month I’ve been bad at showing it, I apologize for that. We need to find ways to make sure that you know you are a part of us.

And since being a part of our family, among other things, means that we help each other deal with difficult situations, right now that is what we are going to do. Over the last two years, you have been there for us more often than we can count. All I’m asking is that now, you allow us to be there for us.”

........

Seth stared at his father. He knew that the old man loved to talk, but he did not know if he had ever heard him say that much in a row, especially that much serious and emotional stuff.
The fact that usually, he would interrupt him with some sarcastic -and of course hilarious- comment probably had something to do with that.

But this time, he had not felt like joking. When Ryan had mentioned his aunt and uncle, he had been about to give him a verbal strip down worthy off the Nana. They all knew not to mention those two around his father, especially not like that. It was an unwritten rule that Ryan had learnt, somehow without anyone having to tell him about it. Maybe he was so familiar with the need to not talk about certain things that he was able to recognize it in others.

When he had broken the rule, had compared Sandy’s fallout with his siblings to what had happened between Ryan and that scum- bag Trey, Seth had been stunned at the apparent coldness in his voice.

But he had been even more stupefied at his mother’s –certainly correct- analyses that Ryan was trying to push them away to put an end to the conversation.
His fathers insistence that they were going to help Ryan, even if he did not want their help, his insistence that it was their time to be there for Ryan had sparked in him a feeling that had been absent for some time.

He was suddenly sure that, no matter how bad things seemed at the moment, they would eventually be able to deal with it and move on. He suddenly trusted his parents to take care of him, of them, again. After year of living basically separate lives, of trying to ignore the obvious troubles in his parents marriage and trying to deny that his mother had become an alcoholic, the comfort that this sense of security offered was enough to make him forget about the situation at hand for a second.

The sound of Ryan pushing back his chair brought him bag to the present. His best friend and foster brother was visibly trembling with repressed emotions. He did not look either one of them in the eyes.

“Look you guys, I appreciate the effort, I do. But this is not some problem that we can solve by talking it over. This is my family, and no matter what you think, my family is not something you can understand. You just can’t. And honestly, I don’t want you too.”

While talking, he had continuously backed away from them, reminding Seth of the way one backed off from a potentially dangerous dog that one did not want to turn his back on. With his last words, he had reached the patio doors.

Then he abruptly turned, opened the door and was outside and on his way to the pool house before they could say anything. Watching Ryan close the pool house door behind himself, he coughed. “Well, that could probably have gone better.”

Comments

[muchtvs.livejournal.com]

“Look you guys, I appreciate the effort, I do. But this is not some problem that we can solve by talking it over. This is my family, and no matter what you think, my family is not something you can understand. You just can’t. And honestly, I don’t want you too.”

This pretty much sums up Ryan.

I like how Sandy and Kirsten both tried to find a common thread in what Ryan was feeling and what they themselves had gone through.

If you still want a beta, I'l do it. But I'm not the best at grammar rules and such. Commas are my downfall. But I can navigate through most spelling, paragraph structure, etc...

[arualms.livejournal.com]

You´d beta for me? Really? That would be so great!!!

You are aware of what you are getting yourself into, right. I only have my school-English, my spelling tends to be horrible and up until mid- November, I had never written a word of fanfiction. Plus, they only showed season 2 here up until now, I can not download episodes and have to base all my writing on recaps, comments and discussions.

If you still want to do it, I would be extatic!