(no subject)

[arualms]

When I got my account and brought over everything from ffnet, I somehow forgot about this one. It´s not really that good, but I decided to post it anyway, so all my stuff is here.

Disclaimer: Own nothing, don’t sue!

AN: This is mainly the result of my frustration with what the writers presented to us as the chrismukka episode. Sorry if it is a little too disconnected. Takes place after the chrismukkah- episode

Five to Twelve

When he had put up the punching bag in the pool house, he had wanted it to be a one-time thing. A quick fix to a myriad of problems that he could not even begin to name. Now, it looked like he would need to stock up on ice to cool down his hands. Or maybe take the time to wrap them before beating the crap out of the bag. But that would take to long and lessen the therapeutic effect.

God knew he needed it. Things just didn’t seem to get better. Maybe he should have considered the fact that he knew exactly what bothered him as an improvement, but... This whole situation was so screwed up; he really did not know how to get out of it. What he knew was that he could not go on this way much longer. He didn’t remember the last time he had been this tired. Not physically, like he had been the whole summer in Chino, but emotionally. It was as if he no longer had the energy required to care. He was just exhausted. Ryan may not be an expert on romantic relationships, but he was fairly certain they were not supposed to be this draining. Life was not supposed to be this draining.

After what happened with- after the last summer, he had promised himself that he would do it right this time. He would not doubt Marissa anymore, he would not question her feelings and he would no longer act on instinct. That worked out well. He had punched more people in the last months than in the two years before. He couldn’t not doubt Marissa’s feelings when she only ever seemed interested in him when there was a danger of loosing him. And the longer all of this went on, the more he remembered why he had questioned her in the first place.

Ryan remembered that being Luke’s girlfriend hadn’t kept her from flirting with him. He remembered how nothing he did to convince her that Oliver was bad news had been enough, not until it had almost been to late. Ryan remembered the way she seemed to strive on spending time with- on getting involved with his family- business.

What he does not remember is what gave him the strength to actually confront this. Maybe he had just been tired of thinking about it. Unfortunately, her answer had done nothing to help him relax.

He knew she had not meant it the way it felt for him, but still. It had sounded like the only difference between them and him was that he had not flipped. She had not stated any other differences and that- he was pretty sure it was not supposed to hurt like this. He really ought to be able to deal with this crap better by now. But the fact remained that his girlfriend had a thing for boys who were broken, boys (and yes, girls, though he preferred not to think about that right now) who would piss of her mother. And the part of his mind that said that he had become to “Newport” for her, that part had not been quieted down by last night’s conversation at all. It was actually kind of funny, considering he had changed partially for her. He remembered how she told him that he used to scare her. Back then; he had decided to actually be open for once, to tell her the truce. He scared himself, more often than not. He still did not know what he had wanted her to say, but it wasn’t what she actually said. And now, it seemed like he needed to be scary to keep her interest. Otherwise, why would she be hanging out with Johnny so much if not because he presented the excitement that he could not give her?

Johnny definitely offered her drama. Although Ryan failed to understand why the other boy’s obvious lack of brain cells made Marissa believe that he was a good guy instead of an idiot. Honestly, who in their right mind would try to rob a mini-mart? To pay for knee-surgery? He did not like to admit it, but a part of him had actually wanted to let Johnny go through with it. If he wanted to screw up his life and get himself send to prison, it was his decision, right? But the clerk really was not responsible for any of this mess and he should not have to deal with being robbed. So he had gone inside and stopped Johnny. He really was doing the right thing a lot.

He would not think about the rest, would not allow himself to contemplate the fact that Johnny had had a gun, just like- he would not think about that. But the fact remained that Johnny had been willing to risk seriously hurting someone. Apart from the fact that his plan was beyond stupid, it had also showed Ryan that once more, his instincts had been right. Johnny was bad news, and not only because he wanted Marissa.

He understood what it was like to depend on strangers, what it meant to be a charity-case. He could relate to the need to be independent. But he had been willing to pay the price for that independence. He had worked himself half to death in Chino. That was the way you got money when you did not want to take it from others. And yes, he knows that he once stole a car, but that was different. He did not hurt anyone. He did not have a stupid gun. And he sure as hell did not act as if he had had a right to do it. That was what Johnny did. The universe screwed with me, so now it owes me. He knew that argument, had heard it often enough from- he knew what that line of thinking lead to. And it seemed as if once more, he would be caught in the middle. Because Marissa did not show any signs of letting Johnny go and that meant that Ryan was involved by default. Didn’t it?

It was actually kind of funny, how the people in Newport seemed to be able to change their standards depending on their situation. When he had come to Newport as the boy who stole a car with his brother, Kirsten had not wanted him inside her house. When her old friend Jimmy had stolen millions of dollars, she had gotten mad at everyone who spoke badly of him. When Caleb had found out about Theresa, he had lectured the Cohens that they better not help them out, unless they wanted to end up supporting his bastard child forever. (He had not been meant to hear that, but they had yelled at each other quite loudly). When Caleb had had to come clean about Lindsey, he had expected everyone to suddenly consider her family. Not that Ryan had not agreed with that, but still…When he had told Marissa that his father was in jail for armed robbery, she had gotten a look that clearly told him how much she pitied him for having such a bad father. Now she needed him to keep her friend from committing the same crime. And after he did, they were supposed to act like nothing had happened. Ryan did not think of himself as a grudge-holder, but the fact that whether or not your mistakes were forgivable depended on social background, rather than on your willingness to admit you were wrong, stung more than it should.

He was too tired to deal with this kind of crap. It was really a good thing that the punching bag was still there.