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OMG!!! Look, it's an update! How did that happen?

 

Dealing – Chapter 14

 

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I still don’t own anything. It’s depressing, really…

 

AN1: For katwoman76 , because the first part of this was her birthday-gift anyway. Also, she controles my OC-access and threatened to use that against me if I din’t update soon. It’s also for 60schic  , because intenet-hiatus or not, I really shouldn’t have missed her birthday.

 

AN2: So, I promised when I posted the first part of this that the rest would follow soon. Yes, I am aware that that was four months ago. I’m really sorry.

 

AN3: My spell-check decided to go strike. Please, feel free to point out any and all mistakes.

 

 

Obstacles

 

Ryan took another drag of his cigarette, concentrating on the feel of the smoke curling against the roof of his mouth. Unfortunately, it wasn’t nearly as relaxing as he wanted it to be. Not that there was really anything that would allow him to calm down. He couldn’t believe he had just given in like that.

 

Nothing had changed. The devasting effect that he had on the Cohen family was not debatable, and neither was the fact that the only way to make it any better was to take himself out of the equation.

 

And yet, knowing all that, he had given in to Kirsten and told her where he was, promising not to leave until she got here to take him back to Newport. He couldn’t even do this right, the one, the only thing left for him to do to fix the mess he had made out of their lifes.

 

It would have been better to put saying good bye off a little longer, or maybe he should have simply accepted the fact that he had proven to be a true Atwood after all and not have called at all. He might have felt like a piece of crap because of it, but he wouldn’t have had to talk to Kirsten. He wouldn’t have allowed her to change his mind against his better judgement.

 

Remembering her words, he tried to figure out what had made him cave in like that, and once more he came back to the same conclusion.

 

“I will hire a private investigator, I will report you to the police as a runaway.”

 

She had threatened to call the police. No, it had not been fear of being found that had caused him to give in, it had been shock.

 

The police, just like social services, were the enemy. They always had been, and the thought that they still were was one of the few convictions that Ryan still hadn’t let go off after more than two years in Newport. He had heard his mother’s warnings and complaints about those “fuckers who know nothing and want to destroy our family” too often to forget. Add to that his own experiences and he was pretty sure he would never be able to look at a police officer as a “friend and helper” in his life.

 

Kirsten, on the other hand, still seemed to be able to do that. He was sure she wouldn’t have liked resorting to those desperate measures, but she had made it clear that she would have- if it was necessary to find him. The concept of someone calling the police to do something that was ultimately supposed to be for his own good had been an idea so startling and foreign, he had been stunned into forgetting, just for a second, what he had wanted to say. And Kirsten had made use of his silence.

 

Ryan took a shuddering breath, fighting not to get overwhelmed by the effect of her words again.

 

”I will do whatever it takes to find you and bring you home.”

 

“We’ll figure everything out. I promise.”

 

The determination in her voice had been startling in and off itself. It had been quite a while since he had heard Kirsten take that tone with someone, had witnessed her being this adamant about things getting done her way. He had to admit to himself that he had missed it.

 

Even more astounding had been the revelation that Kirsten’s return to form had apparently been caused by him - and not by her need to punish him for something he had done wrong, or her wish to protect others from his influence, but by her need to take care of him.

 

He’d had no idea how to handle that. Because listening to her frantic speech, hearing the fear in the slight quiver in her voice, fear of not being able to convince him to come back, he had realized that she really wasn’t willing to let him go. What’s more, she wasn’t going to give him a choice.

 

Ryan knew all about having no say in decisions others made about his life. He had never been asked if he was ok with their move to Chino (“you’re six years old, you’ll find new friends as soon as we arrive and forget about that Davies’s kid and the others”)and his mother certainly hadn’t taken him into consideration when she decided that the best way of coping with his father being gone was hooking up with a streak of equally considerate boyfriends (“bastard gets himself caught and leaves me to take care of his no-good sons alone, I have every right to find someone better”).

 

There had definitely been no long conversation with Dawn when she kicked him out (“I can’t do this anymore”), left him (red lipstick on a paper towel), left him again (waking up, looking for her and knowing what was happening without even having to think about it). He remembered a wave that had been as much “Good bye” as it had been “This is it, and you’ll have to accept it”. Twice. Funny how Trey, no matter how much he hated Dawn sometimes (all the time?), still had so much in common with her.

 

So Ryan knew what it was like to have no choice when it came to important changes in his life. He didn’t remember ever having no choice about something good, something that, as egoistic as he knew it was, he really wanted (“I will not allow you to leave; I will not loose you like that”).

 

He had been so shocked, he had given in. And then, his head still trying to come to grasps with her words, she had made him promise, promise not to go anywhere.

 

So now, he had to sit here and wait, because no matter how wrong it was, no matter that he knew his return to Newport would only make things worse, he would not break a promise he had made to Kirsten. He couldn’t, even though for her sake and that of her family, he wished he was strong enough. The thoug of disappointing her hurt, but he knew that in the long run, it would have been much better. Still, he couldn’t do it.

 

He grabbed for the pack of cigarettes again, but before he could take one out, could allow himself some small measure of comfort to distract himself from the fact that it had all been for nothing and he had failed in his attempt to protect the Cohen-family (again), the sound of a car engine being killed made him look up.

 

The way Kirsten was looking at him from behind the steering wheel, filled with an intense something that he couldn’t (wouldn’t try to) decipher had him squirming to keep from just bolting right then and there.

 

A second passed with both of them staring at each other, then she was out of the new Jeep in a rush of motion, running towards him and suddenly he was enveloped in a hug, air being pressed out of his lungs by surprisingly strong arms.

 

Hugging her back was a reflex, his arms hesitantly closing around her while his mind was screaming at him to figure out what the hell was going on, because kids who screwed up got punished, not hugged.

 

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Tightening her grip on Ryan, Kirsten had to struggle to rein in her emotions at least a little. She had spend the whole drive worrying that he would be gone once she finally, finally arrived, and now that she knew for a fact that he was still here, had kept his promise and seemed to be at least physically all right, holding the tears of relief at bay proved to be more difficult than she might have expected.

 

Her breath leaving her in a shuddering gush of air, she reluctantly loosened her halt on Ryan and took a careful step back to look at him.

 

He should never look at her that wearyly.

 

“Ryan. I am so glad you are here.”

 

“I…”

 

Sensing his helplessness in his search for words, she decided to make things a little easier on him for the moment being.

 

“How about we just get into the car, away from possibly prying strangers and dubious food smells, and then you can explain on the drive back home.”

 

The flash in his eyes when she spoke of “home” convinced her that not having a confrontation right there and then was definitely the right choice. The boy was so on the edge, he seemed ready to run at a moments notice. It would be better to have him securely sitting in the passenger seat, from where he couldn’t escape unless he wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle.

 

It might be entrapment, but she was not above playing dirty if it got her what she wanted. Which right now was for Ryan to come home, and give her some answers on the way. If she wanted to convince him that running away was possibly the stupidest thing he had ever done, therefore definitely not something he should repeat, ever, she would need as much ammunition as possible.

 

This was Ryan after all, and clueless as she was regarding his reasons for running away (not that there weren’t more than enough to choose from, she admitted with a stab of guilt at being part of a lot of them and not having done anything against the others), she was also certain that to him, his actions made perfect sense and were probably the only option.

 

Convincing him he was wrong (because whatever he thought, he was) would be a challenge.

 

She took his hand and led him to the side of the car, waiting for him to sit down before rounding the vehicle and taking her place behind the steering wheel. She was proud when her fingers turning the key in the ignition didn’t shake.

 

She was Kirsten Cohen. She strived on challenges, and she was not going to back down from this one.

 

 

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Ryan couldn’t keep the air from escaping his lungs in a shuddering sigh. He didn’t remember ever having been this emotionally exausted. Logically, he knew this couldn’t be true, but somehow everything had happened at once today and despite the hours spend on the bus and then at the diner, he hadn’t really been able to catch a break. It was hard to believe that it had really only been a day.

 

Studying Kirsten out of the corner of his eye, he had to admit to himself that thjis probably wasn’t right, either. Most of what he was trying to wrap his head around had been building for months.

 

“Do you want me to ask questions or would you rather just tell me while I try not to interrupt?”

 

Kirsten threw a small smile his way while still keeping her focus on the traffic. To his own surprise, Ryan found himself fighting a grin of his own. The thought of any member of the Cohen-family having the patience to let him talk without interruptions was so improbable that he couldn’t hide his amusement. The woman in the drivers seat beside him seemed to understand what he was thinking, because her smile widened.

 

“I’ll really try, I promise. Your choice.”

 

“I…I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure what you want me to tell you. Its all just…” he trailed off, relizing that he couldn’t even find the right words to articulate what was going through his mind at that moment. How on earth was he supposed to explain everything that had dominated his thought-process for the last couple of days?

 

“How ‘bout we start with the obvious? Why did you leave? I mean just this morning, you told me that leaving was not an option because Marissa needed you. And while I would love to believe that you actually agree with my thoughts about that particular topic and no longer feel responsible for what happened to her, I don’t think that’s true. More importantly, I definitely didn’t try to talk you out of your misplaced guilt so you would no longer have a reason to stay. That is definitely the last thing I would ever want.”

 

Ryan fidgeted in his seat, trying in vain not to thing back to their conversation in the poolhouse that morning. He didn’t think he had ever talked to Kirsten that openly, and the result had been disatrous. Now she wanted another heart-to-heart?

 

“Ryan? Whatever it is, I promise we will find a way to deal with it. Just, please talk to me. What did I say to you that was so horrible that you had to leave?”

 

Startled, he whipped his head around to look at her.

 

“You didn’t say anything. Kirsten, why would you think that? You didn’t do anything wrong, you never did.”

 

“As much as whish that was true, we both know it isn’t. I did plenty of wrong things, especially over the last couple of months. But Ryan, if it wasn’t something I said, then why did you leave? I went to talk to Sandy and then suddenly you were gone…”

 

He heared the hesitation in her voice and cursed himself silently for making her feel as if she had done anything wrong. Kirsten had absolutely no reason to feel guilty, yet she obviousely did. And whether he wanted to talk about this or not, he couldn’t let her blame herself like that.

 

“Really, you didn’t do anything wrong. I did, and when I realized…”

 

Staring at the hands folded in his lap unfortunately didn’t keep him from hearing the disbelief in her voice.

 

“Ryan, you were only left alone in the poolhouse for a couple of minutes, half an hour at best. What could you possibly have done in that time that left you with no coice other than running away? I mean, I am sure you have your reason, but right now I really can’t fathom what they could possibly be.”

 

He absentmindedly thought that this should make him feel better, hearing her proclaim her conviction that he couldn’t possibly have done anything that bad. Instead, it made what he had to tell her even harder. He didn’t think she would understand, but he owed her an explanation if he didn’t want her to keep looking for things she might have done wrong.

 

“I shouldn’t have told you. About Julie I mean. Sandy had his reasons for not telling you, and I should have respected that instead of going behind his back and talking to you. I didn’t mean to cause trouble.”

 

His announcement was met with silence and he found himself once more watching Kirsten out of the corner of his eye, trying to gauge her reaction and figure out what she was thinking. She took several deep breaths and closed her eyes for a short moment before speaking with a strained voice that hinted at repressed emotions.

 

“Telling me about Julie was necessary. The fact that Sandy failded to do so weeks ago is not your fault, and it certainly doesn’t make your actions wrong. What she did was unforgiveable, and I had a right to know about it. She hurt you, she intentionally hurt you and because I didn’t know, I let her get away with it, hurting you myself in the process. I am very, very gratefull that I know now and can take actions accordingly.

 

And yes, Sandy had his reasons for not telling me, but he was wrong. I love my husband very much, but God knows he’s not perfect. I can’t place all responsibility with him, because there are a lot of issues we should have dealt with a long time ago, and the fact that we didn’t has lead to a lot of wrong decisions on both sides. But these are things that Sandy and I have to deal with, and we will.

 

Still, I don’t understand why you telling me about what Julie Cooper did to you forced you to run away afterwards.”

 

Ryan clenched his fingers unconciously. Listening to Kirsten talking about Sandy, about their relationship like that once more drove home to him how screwed up everything was. He knew that she was talking not only about what had happened after she had returned to Newport but also about everything that had lead up to her stay at Suriak. Everything that had been set in motion by him. How could he possibly explain that leaving the Cohens so that they could heal without his destructive influence was the only way he saw of making up to them everything he had done, to help them repair everything he had caused to fall apart? How could he even begin to apologize for all that?

 

“Ryan?”

 

That questioning tone again. He desperately wished he knew how to answer, how to convince her that the worry he detected in her tone was misplaced, but found himself unable to do so. He wished they weren’t stuck in the small space of the car. The urge to distance himself from the situation in whatever way possible was growing stronger by the second.

 

“Honey, what’s wrong? What…wait. You said you didn’t want to cause trouble. You think telling me caused trouble? Why…You saw us arguing. Right?”

 

He merely nodded. Why was this so difficult? Why did this whole converstion make him feel so damn small?

 

“Oh Ryan. God honey, that’s why you left? Because you though you had made us fight? Ryan, I love Sandy and he loves me, but that doesn’t change the fact that we fight every now and then. We always have and we always will And believe me, fighting with Sandy, as much as I hate it, is much better than not saying anything and letting the problems grow and cause us to drift apart. If there is anything the last year taught me, it’s that. Really, it’s a good thing I found out about Julie. This way, we could discuss it before it got even worse.”

 

She was looking at him again and Ryan tried to let himself be reassured by her words, but it was futile. Even if she was right and this morning’s fight had been necessary (and he wasn’t sure that it was, because in his experience, fights never made anything better), she had still reminded him once more of all the problems he had cause her and the other Cohens before. And those had definitely not been necessary.

 

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Reminding herself to keep her eyes on the road (short glances at the boy sitting in the passenger seat by her side not withstanding), Kirsten fought the sudden onslaught of memories.

 

They had only been living in Newport for a little more than a year and she had been fighting not to fall apart after the loss of her mother. She had been constantly on the edge and when Sandy had told her about Seth’s complaints about Orange County and the fact that he had once more asked when they would be returning “home”, she had lost it. And while she couldn’t recall the ensuing fight with her husband, she still remembered Seth suddely running into the room, tears streaming from his eyes, cheeks red and breathing interrupted by panicked hiccups. He had startled both her and Sandy that night, claiming that he didn’t really want to leave, hadn’t meant to say that and could they stop fighting now because he really, really didn’t want them to get a divorce like Lucy’s parents had and he was so, so sorry for making them fight.

 

Ryan was far older, and she doubted he would ever allow himself to cry in front of her, but still she could not help but hear the same desperation underlying the few words he had said.

 

Seeing the tension in his shoulders when she risked a short glance to the side and hearing the shallow breathing that spoke of a desperate attempt to keep his emotions in check, she had no doubt that her words had failed to offer the reassurance he needed. Really, she wasn’t surprised. If this day had taught her one thing, it was to always keep in mind that Ryan’s lack of talking did not signify a lack of thoughts, very troubling thoughts in this case (and probably, she was forced to admit to herself, most of the other times as well, even if she - they all - often failed to realize this).

 

“What else Ryan? What else do you think is your fault?”

 

He finally lifted his head and she had to keep herself from gasping in shock at the guilt that was suddley displayed openly in his eyes.

 

               “Kirsten, no. I…it’s better if I stay away. I just wanted to let you know properly. But, it’s really better if…”

 

She had heard him then, but in her desperate need to get him to tell her where he was, to promise that he would let her come pick him up, she had failed to really let the words register. What could possibly make him think that it was better for them – because what little he had told her had made it obvious that this was about what he though was best for them, not for himself- to be without him? How could he not see that things beeing good without him there was just not a possibility?

 

“Talk to me, Ryan. Please.”

 

 

 

 

In case I didn’t make it clear before: This chapter (and the next one) really, really doesn’t like me. So…feedback?