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[arualms]

Look! It's alive! 

Sorry it took so long. But I actually managed to finish it! (The chapter, not the fic. That will take some more time)

Previous chapters are here

Dealing – Chapter 13

disclaimer: Ryan is pretty much the only one I want to own, and sadly, he is not up for sale.

AN: Sorry this took so long. The muses were on strike, most likely caused by my depression over the OC-finale spoilers. But I had to at least get this out before they actually air and crush me completely.

 

 

Past, Present and Future II 

 

 

The silence in the car was suffocating, neither one of them wanting to brake it. There really wasn’t anything to say at the moment.

 

Seth leaned back in his seat, closing his eyes with a defeated sigh. They should probably have expected this. The woman at the bus station got paid to sell tickets, not to remember every person she sold a ticked to and the direction in which that person wanted to go. Though really, it might be a good idea to enforce a policy that gave the ticket- sellers that additional duty, because obviously, the Greyhound was the vehicle of choice when people who shouldn’t be going anywhere wanted to leave the town. There ought to be a law.

 

Not even knowing if Ryan had taken the bus at all, they had made a point of checking every other possible way of getting out of town, including the harbour, as well as places in town he might have gone to in the hope to hide for a while. They hadn’t found anything. Now, Seth was pretty convinced that these had been some of the longest and most frustrating hours of his life.

 

They were not giving up, he knew they weren’t, but this still felt like they lost the battle before they even got started. The bus stop had been the only idea they had had. Now he had no clue where to go.

 

The revelation that, after more than two years of living with Ryan, he had no idea where he would run to was not something he wanted to examine to carefully.

 

Ryan would know, if the roles were reversed. He had made his best friend listen to the carefully crafted plans of escape he had been working on since he was six. Ryan had just looked at him with lifted eyebrows, and Seth had stopped talking in the end, because the message was clear and he really didn’t have anything to run away from. At least, not anymore. Not since his dad had decided that bringing home a stray kid was much more fun than bringing a stray dog and Seth’s life had done a complete 180.

 

He didn’t want to think about what his life would be like if Ryan didn’t come back. Newport without Ryan was simply not an option. Only this time, he wouldn’t even be able to take the catamaran and get the hell out, not only because Summer would kill him but also because his mom had just come home from rehab and yes, he knew he tended to be a bit self-absorbed, but he wouldn’t do that to her. Not again, not now.

 

And just like that, worry was suddenly replaced by anger. Because Ryan knew all this, too. Ryan had been there when his mom broke down crying in the kitchen; Ryan had been there when Sandy sat down with them and explained why they didn’t get to call her to say good night (he had so wanted to do that, because maybe it was childish but he hadn’t cared, not at all). Ryan had been there for all of it, and he knew that the last thing his mom needed right now was for Ryan to just up and disappear. But obviously he didn’t care, didn’t give a damn since he had wanted to leave yesterday and then he had left today.

 

Seth knew he was being unfair, because he remembered what his mom told him, how Ryan had thought Kirsten was blaming him for everything with Trey, and knowing how much Ryan loved her (even though he never said it out loud, because he was cool and people from Chino didn’t go around telling people how much they loved their mothers, or foster-mothers or whatever), he got how much that thought must have hurt. But they had talked about that, hadn’t they? Kirsten had explained that she didn’t blame him, and Ryan had left anyway.

 

He punched the headrest in front of him in frustration, earning a startled “Seth!” from his mother, deflecting her possible anger with a mumbled “Sorry.”

 

Seemed like she got where he was coming from, because she just nodded and went back to staring out the car window. As if somehow, by pure chance, she could pick out a magic sign telling them where Ryan had gone.

 

Seth hated not understanding what was going on around him. He had always taken pride in his eavesdropping skills, but somehow they had lessened in importance when he had gotten a life of his own. And he felt like eavesdropping wouldn’t have helped him in figuring this entire mess out, because that would have required Ryan to actually open his mouth and say what he was thinking, which he never did. Or maybe not never, but definitely not often enough.

 

Seth hated not knowing what was going on, he hated it so much right now, because if he only knew why Ryan had left, then he could talk to him and prove that all his reasons were stupid, and Ryan could come home. He needed Ryan to come home.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Sandy clenched his hands around the steering wheel, trying desperately not to loose control. If he had a nervous breakdown, it wouldn’t help anyone.

 

Seth was still sitting in the back, staring out of the window, and he couldn’t remember the last time his son had voluntarily been quiet for such a long period of time. There was just something deeply wrong about a silent Seth.

 

He turned slightly to watch his wife out of the corner of his eye. She was leaning against the window, her eyes closed, and he would have believed her to be asleep, if not for the way her hands were balled into fists, white with tension.

 

Sandy wished she would look at him, but knew that probably wouldn’t happen anytime soon. While they had had to forget about their argument for the time being to take of and look for Ryan, neither one of them was likely to forget what had happened. The thought that his actions regarding Julie had caused Ryan to believe that he blamed him was still something he would prepare not to think about.

 

Unfortunately, in the quiet of the car, it was apparently impossible not to think about it. He had no idea why Ryan had taken off, what had caused him to run, and in his desperate struggle to come up with an explanation, he kept examining his own behaviour over the course of the summer and the following months, trying to see himself from Ryan’s point of view. He didn’t like what he came up with.

 

He hadn’t fully believed Ryan, not when it had counted. No, he had not doubted the kid’s explanation of what had happened at first, but he had allowed himself to start doubting him over the course of the ongoing investigation. Trey’s statement had made him question Ryan, instead of questioning the validity of the statement.

 

Looking back, he really had no idea what had possessed him to do that. He had known what kind of person Ryan’s brother was by then. And he should have known that his foster son would never have lied to him about that. If there was one thing that was always true about Ryan, it was that he was honest.

 

If he was honest with himself, Sandy had to admit that he had allowed his emotions to cloud his judgement. He had still been trying to come to grasps with the fact that his wife had become an alcoholic, and with his own responsibility for that development. The additional drama of the shooting had somehow been too much to handle, and so he had allowed himself to fall for Ryan’s declarations of being ok and not needing to talk.

 

And then when there was suddenly evidence against the boy, Sandy had felt blindsided. The issue was no longer something he could push to the back of his mind; it was a problem that had to be dealt with right there and then. Sandy had been overwhelmed, and not being willing to face the fact that he should have dealt with it weeks ago, he had directed his anger at himself to Ryan.

 

Trying to run away had been stupid, had given the police even more reason to doubt his version of the events, and Sandy had been frustrated that Ryan would do something so idiotically. He still felt that at least this anger had been justified, but the way he had let it out was another issue.

 

“Glad to see the jumpsuit still fits”

 

He had actually seen the blinds come down in Ryan’s face at that moment. Sandy had known, right then and there, that it had been the wrong thing to say, even if it could be explained away as a joke.

 

Somehow it had continued that way. Ryan would do something stupid, like punching the Dean and getting himself kicked out of school, and in his anger Sandy would ignore the real problem. All these months, he had never once asked Ryan why.

 

Why did you drive over to Trey alone, instead of coming to me?

 

Why didn’t you want to talk to me about what happened?

 

Why did you try to run away, instead of trusting me to take care of thing the legal way?

 

Why did you punch the Dean?

 

He hadn’t asked, because honestly, her had been afraid of the answers. He should have known better, should have been aware of the fact that the boy was struggling with issues he wasn’t even aware of. But instead of forcing him to face them, he had closed his eyes and acted as if healing the symptoms would cure the disease.

 

Get Ryan a tutor that can provide the same level of education as Harbour. Get him back into the school. Make it clear to him that he can’t afford another screw-up.

 

At the time, it had been easier that way, but now he wondered how much his intentional blindness had contributed to Ryan’s struggles.

 

Sandy suppressed a weary sigh. Figuring out why Ryan had run away really wasn’t easy. There were far to many reasons to choose from.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Kirsten had to hold back tears as she made her way back into the house behind her husband and son. She probably shouldn’t have gotten her hopes up about catching Ryan at the bus stop, but she still felt utterly defeated.

 

No, she would not stop looking, but right now she had no idea where.

 

“We should call Marcus” If they wanted to find Ryan fast, they would need help.

 

“Who’s Marcus?” Seth was looking at her with a befuddled expression she would have found adorable if she had been in the mood to indulge in sentimental parental moments.

 

“He’s the PI we hired to find Dawn.” her husband answered before she could “Calling him is a good idea. He’s better at this then we are.” She nodded and made her way to the phone. Before she could pick it up, it started to ring.

 

She lifted the phone to her ear and answered with a short “Cohen” before it could ring a second time. She could feel herself tensing up, waiting to find out who was at the other hand. They had left their number with several of the people they had questioned about Ryan, showing them the picture in her wallet once more and asking to be contacted immediately should he turn up. Maybe they would catch a break for once.

 

“Kirsten?” The voice on the other end of the line was hesitant. But it was definitely Ryan. She took a deliberately deep breath to compose herself and keep from starting to cry in relief right then and there.

 

“Ryan?” Ignoring the way her husband and son were suddenly staring at her, she tried to figure out what to say.

 

“Where are you? Are you ok? Why did you leave? Where are you?”

 

“I…I wanted to at least say good bye.”

 

“What do you mean, say good bye?” She took an unconscious step back to escape Seth reaching for the phone and tried to black out the shocked “What” coming from both her son and her husband.

 

“Ryan, you are not leaving. I mean, you are not staying away. You’ll come back, and then once you’re back, you won’t be leaving for a long time. Where are you? I’ll come pick you up.”

 

“Kirsten, no. I…it’s better if I stay away. I just wanted to let you know properly. But, it’s really better if…”

 

“No. Ryan, I don’t know why you thought you had to leave, but you being gone definitely isn’t better. It’s wrong, and it’s not something I will allow to happen. You can explain to me, to all of us, what happened and why you left once you’re back home. Right now, I just want you to tell me where you are.”

 

He didn’t say anything, the silence allowing her to hear Sandy’s muttered, “I don’t know, Kirsten…” and Seth’s “Mom, let me talk to him please.”

But she would not let anyone else talk to Ryan, not now, not before she got an answer. She needed to fix this.

 

“Ryan?”

 

 “Kirsten, I can’t. I’m sorry if I upset you by just taking of, I am, but I can’t come back. Everything would just…you don’t understand.” He trailed off and she could tell that was it, he had his mind set. She would not accept this.

 

“No Ryan, you don’t understand. You don’t get a choice in this. I know you may not think so, but you are still a kid. And that means that sometimes, you don’t get to make these decisions on your own. This is one of those times. I will not allow you to leave; I will not loose you like that. If you don’t tell me where you are, I am going to find you. I will hire a private investigator, I will report you to the police as a runaway, I will do whatever it takes to find you and bring you home.”

 

“Kirsten!” her husband interrupted her, and Seth was looking at her as if she had suddenly sprouted wings. It didn’t matter. She knew Sandy wouldn’t like this, knew that he was likely already listing all his arguments against bringing Ryan back by force, but she just didn’t care.

 

Yes, it would be great if Ryan came back voluntarily, but he was not willing to do so at the moment, and she was not willing to wait for him to change his mind. She would not spend weeks out of her mind with worry about him, wondering when he would come back, if ever.

 

She wasn’t making idle threats; she was perfectly able and willing to employ all necessary force to bring Ryan back home. They had tried it the Sandy-way when Seth had been in Portland, and she had gone crazy missing him all summer. They had tried it again when Ryan had asked for permission to take of on that stupid boat, and only Ryan’s overly developed sense of responsibility fro Marissa had kept them from loosing him. She was not taking any risks, and if force would turn out to be necessary, then she would use it.

 

If afterwards he would spend weeks brooding in the poolhouse, if he would hate her for forcing him back, then she would live with that. It was a price she was willing to pay, if in return she got the knowledge that he was safe and at home. There was hardly any prize to high to pay for that.

 

She heard him taking a deep breath, prompting her mind to envision him standing at some kind of public phone both, probably hiding his eyes behind his hair, despite the fact that no one could see him. She really wished she could, because talking to Ryan on the phone was like having a conversation and only hearing every third word. If she could only see him, maybe she would be able to figure out what was going on, what made the boy run away from her, after everything they had talked about this morning.

 

“Ok.” He sounded defeated, and it was a way she never wanted him to feel, but right now it didn’t matter, because he had actually said ok. She lifted her head to smile at her husband and son while memorising the address of a diner Ryan hesitantly gives her. Seth relaxed immediately at the sight of her smile, releasing a shuddered breath and then smiling back at her. Sandy’s scowl lessens.

 

“Good. Ryan, I’ll be there to pick you up as soon as possible, ok? Stay and wait, eat something if you’re hungry but do not leave, am I clear?”

 

“Crystal.” he replied, and she was surprised to detect something akin to relief in his voice.

 

“Good. That’s good. We’ll talk more when I’m there, ok? And Ryan?”

 

“Yeah?” There the hesitation was again. God, the boy really was on the edge.

 

“We’ll figure everything out. I promise.”

 

“’K” And he ended the call before she could think of anything else to say.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Seth didn’t remember the last time his mother had talked like this. No nonsense, I am the mom, I know what’s best. He was surprised to realize he had missed it. When she had threatened to sick the cops on Ryan he had thought she crossed the line, but apparently not. She had actually gotten Ryan to give her an address.

 

“Ok, so let’s go!”

 

He realized he sounded like a giddy school kid right before a trip to Anaheim, but he actually didn’t give a damn. They were going to pick up Ryan, and then they could talk and figure out what was wrong. With the Kirsten in uber-mom mode, they would be able to solve whatever problem there was, and then things could finally return to normal. Or well, as normal as they could ever get around here.”

 

“No. Seth, I’m sorry, I know you want to come, but I told Ryan that I would come pick him up. Me, not all of us.” She sounded all calm and rational while saying that, as if it wasn’t an issue at all. He wanted to object, tell her that after all, they were all family and should do this together, but before he could form a sentence or open his mouth, his father did.

 

“Kirsten, you’re not serious. You can’t just force me out of this! I know you are mad at me, and you have your reasons, but I am not going to let you exclude me from this.”

 

His dad sounded down right pissed, and Seth could tell that it was not only at his mother’s plan to bring back Ryan alone. His father had looked like he was ready to loose it when his mom had brought out the big guns while talking to Ryan earlier.

 

Seth took an involuntary step back. Looking from one of his parents to the other, he tried to figure out a way to keep this from turning into a fight, but there wasn’t really any way for him to interfere, especially since he didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire.

 

“Sandy, this isn’t about you. It’s about Ryan. I promised him that I would come to pick him up and bring him home, and that’s what I am going to do. You can talk to him all you want when we get here, but I am driving alone. I was the last one who talked to him. I need to figure out if he left because of something I said, don’t you get that?”

 

Ouch. The last time he saw his mom look this vulnerable was when the entire family was telling her to go to Suriak. He hadn’t even realized that she blamed herself for Ryan’s sudden disappearance. Judging from the look on his face, neither had his dad

 

“I get that, Kirsten, I do but…”

 

“No. No buts. I need to do this for Ryan. I need to fix this.”

 

He actually held his breath waiting for his father to answer, releasing it only after the short “OK.”

 

His mother nodded and made her way to the front door.

 

“We’ll figure this out. We will.”

 

With that, she left the house, leaving Seth to once more ponder how everything had escalated so fast today. But at least now, it seemed like things were taking a turn for the better.

I am still a review-addict. I am ashamed of myself, but please feed my addiction anyway.

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