(no subject)

[arualms]

The foilers (because that's what they are, damn it) made me mad, and I took it out on Marissa.

disclaimer: if I owned anything, Marissa would be long dead.

AN: This is really just me, ranting. Not much else to it, but it had to be said. 

Waiting

 

Seth is perched on the edge of the hard plastic seat; ready to jump up the second someone- preferably the right doctor this time- enters the room.

 

He doesn’t want to think about what is going on behind those grey doors, doesn’t want to imagine what all the well trained- and they better be well trained- medical staff is doing right now. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that his saviour from the hell of loneliness, his partner in crime, his confident, his best friend, his brother, that Ryan is fighting for his life behind those doors at the very moment.

 

He doesn’t want to think about any of it, so he doesn’t. Instead, he finds something else to concentrate on, something besides fear, and watching his dad pace up and down the hall, and worry, and listening to his mother sobbing, and gut wrenching horror. He finds this one thought, and he clings to it, concentrates on it and repeats it in his head until it drowns out all the questions he doesn’t have answers for and silent screams that threaten to make his head explode.

 

Seth hates Marissa. This is it, the only thought he allows to take up room in his mind. He hates Marissa, like he never knew he was capable of hating her, like he never knew it was possible to hate anyone at all, least of all someone he used to consider a friend, sometimes. Seth hates Marissa, because this is all her fault.

 

Marissa had to hook up with Volcheck. Marissa knew the guy was violent, and potentially dangerous, and she was right there when the guy tried everything he could to make Ryan loose it, but she still had to hook up with him, because she is Marissa. Marissa, who can not survive if she is not the centre of attention, who doesn’t know what to do with herself if she can’t have a nervous breakdown every other night, Marissa who picked Volcheck because she knew Ryan wouldn’t like it.

 

Marissa had to hook up with Volcheck, and therefore it is her fault that he was at the party, her fault that he was close enough to Ryan to hurt him. It is all her fault, and Seth hates her for it.

 

Seth knows Marissa probably didn’t make that scumbag get high, and probably she didn’t even know he had a knife, and yes, she didn’t make the guy attack Ryan. But Seth doesn’t care, because none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for Marissa.

 

She had to make a scene right there, she had to rile Volcheck up until he lost it, because she still couldn’t accept that things between her and Ryan were over. She had to come there with this guy who better be spending the next twenty years in jail, she had to come there with him and still flirt with Ryan, even though Ryan was there with Sadie, because she is Marissa, and Marissa isn’t used to loosing.

 

This is all Marissa’s fault, because if it weren’t for her, Ryan would never have gotten hurt. Seth didn’t know it was possible to hate someone like this.

 

 

The door opens and Seth is out of his seat before he even realizes it, but it is only a nurse, one that he knows by now will not tell them anything, and he sinks back down dejectedly.

 

The noise in his head is back, a never-ending stream of why’s and what if’s and he needs something to quiet it down, because he wouldn’t help Ryan at all of he lost his mind out here, even though right now the though has some merrit, bacuase maybe he could claim insanity as a reason for attacking Marissa.

 

The hot, burning feeling is still there, and once more Seth concentrates on it, using it to drive away everything else, and he is startled to realize that there is more to it than just the here and now. Now that he allows himself to think about it, to use the heat of it to stop the deathly cold that seems to be choking the last air out of his lungs, he remembers there is more.

 

Seth remembers seeing a house going up in flames and not being able to do anything but stare, stare at the place that was supposed to safe for his new friend, the place that he brought him to. He remembers the relief of seeing that new friend alive, short-lived as it is when he is driven off to jail. And most of all, he remembers Luke Ward being there, and the way Marissa Cooper looked at both of them. This was because of her, he had thought, and he had felt like going over there and giving her hell, because he had never had a Ryan before, and she had messed it up.

 

It’s easy from there on, incredibly easy to remember all the ways that Marissa has been bad for Ryan. She hadn’t wanted to come visit him in juvie, because other things had been more important. And she had hurt him by not choosing him. And then she had almost cost him his place at Harbour. Ok, so Seth knows that she hadn’t forced Ryan to skip his test, but still. Right now, he doesn’t feel like being understanding and forgiving. After all, maybe she really would have been better off in San Diego. Parents getting divorced and boyfriends cheating were bad, but it happened to a lot of people, and they didn’t try to kill themselves.

 

Seth allows himself to get lost in this particular what if. What if Marissa had been taken to San Diego?

 

Ryan wouldn’t have had to deal with yet another constantly drunk woman, wouldn’t have almost given up on chrismukkah after shoplifting-incidents and getting stopped by a cop with vodka in the car.

 

And also, no Oliver. No Ryan almost getting kicked out of school, no reason for Ryan to feel betrayed by the Cohens (because damn, they had all screwed up), no one almost shooting his brains out in a penthouse. And yes, Seth knows that he is responsible for his own screw ups back then, just like his parents are, and he resolves to apologize once more if, no when Ryan is doing better, but the fact remains that none of that would have happened hadn’t it been for Marissa.

 

And then? No Oliver would also have meant no Theresa, probably, because even Ryan admitted that it had been more about forgetting everything for a while than anything else. So no Theresa, no maybe-baby, and Ryan wouldn’t have had to spent a whole summer working himself to death in Chino. And again, Seth knows that Marissa didn’t force Ryan into any of this, but it still wouldn’t have happened without her.

 

Things with Trey would probably have turned out differently, too. Not that Seth blames her for what Trey did, because he may hate her, but he is not crazy. Still, the fact remains that, while Trey probably still would have screwed Ryan over somehow, because Trey is Trey, chances are good that it would not have ended in a fight to the death, and shooting and giving Ryan yet another mountain of unresolved issues. That thought is good, because it keeps him from having to be grateful to Marissa for saving Ryan’s life. He still is, because he could have lost Ryan back then, but right now he just wants to hate her, so there is no place for anything else. He just continues.

 

Ryan wouldn’t have gotten kicked out of Harbour, wouldn’t have almost left Newport, again. Johnny wouldn’t have died, and there would be no nightmares for Ryan, no visions of Johnny falling down that cliff, which Ryan never admitted to having, but Seth knows he does, because once he was up at night, wanted to talk to Ryan and could hear him scream in his sleep.

 

Most of all, if it wasn’t for Marissa, Ryan would still be at the party with him and Summer and Sadie, instead of behind those damn doors, doors that still won’t open.

 

So now Seth is back where he started, staring at those doors again, and why is this taking so long?

 

He doesn’t think he can take any more waiting, because that will allow him to think about all the ways that he screwed up, how he didn’t listen to Ryan about Donnie and didn’t have his back with Oliver and god, just took of on that stupid boat instead of helping Ryan.

 

More time would mean thinking about the way he had pushed for Ryan and Marissa to get back together, which looking back was one of the most stupid things he ever did, which is saying a lot since this is him.

 

And then he will think about not keeping Ryan from going after Trey, and maybe not being there for him enough afterwards, because if he had been, Ryan wouldn’t have wanted to leave, right?

 

And Seth doesn’t want to think about any of this, because then he will have to realize that there are so many things he has to fix, so many mistakes he still has to make up for, and the thought of maybe not being able to, never getting the chance to do that is unbearable, so Seth doesn’t want to think. He just concentrates on hating Marissa and not thinking of anything else.